pinkgrenade blogging at elowel.org
world war 24 10-30-11 09:24
oh joy i got fired from my job yesterday and am on the brink of a mental shut down. oh and the guy i made out with on thursday is now sleeping in my guest room with another girl which also makes for a joyous occasion. i just want to die a little bit.

it took a lot of energy and fakeness yesterday to power through being fired and go to my other job (well, my only job) and put on full zombie makeup and act like i was having the BEST DAY EVER. trying not to burst out in tears was beyond difficult.

i need to work on my opinionated personality and how when i think im right, there is no other option but how i feel. why cant i respect other peoples decisions and opinions and just let things go? is it really so important that i stick my nose everywhere it doesnt belong and ruffle feathers even when its not important?? am i even going to learn from this hard lesson?

im trying to fill out my unemployment papers right now but i always just toss my paychecks so i cant really figure out all the info i need which will just delay the process. at least with my final paycheck i got my vacation hours that i havent used.

i need to find a silver lining and keep up a positive attitude and change something for the better. whether i want to or not. i wish i could run away somewhere right now for a vacation but i have nowhere to run. cant run from a sad reality now.
to be young is to be sad 10-20-11 07:20
why havent you called to say you miss me? thats the worst part, i feel like im all alone still with my feelings.

woke up today and dropped my mac, then things only snowballed from there. work was half and half. i impressed a doctor with a suggestion for a specific drug to use on a case, but then things just kept going wrong. putting my keg order in this week was a nightmare, and getting everything together for halloween is also becoming an agonizing process. and i couldnt seem to order checks for the life of me in a half hour time frame, which doesnt seem very long, but it is when you use the internet and have to type 3 things and check out.

FMLLLLL

today, youre gonna be a lot better. im gonna go explore some other local breweries that i do not work for and drink some yummy beer.
wincing the night away 10-08-11 00:28
almost let a year go by without posting on here. sometimes i dont know what to do with my feelings i have bottled up inside because i really dont want to talk to people i know about it all the time, but the fact that i cant even write that sentence without crying isnt good.

its been a really long year, most of the past 10 months filled with someone that i could honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with, but i dont know whats going to happen now. we went to portland for vacation for my birthday, and i had to end things 2 weeks after we got back. i dont know why i always try so hard to hide my true feelings and emotions from people, and try to act like its not killing me when i dont hear from them when it really is, or have to not text them specifically because i feel like ive been texting them too much. i just texted john because i really feel like he is cheating on me and thats why hes been so weird, and i would be just a perfect fucking circle for me. i deserve it after all, alex would be so pleased to hear. i cant just make up that i think hes cheating on me. i always think the worst, but i feel like my intuition is fairly spot on most of the time. i dont know. im just gonna go back to crying. i havent cried once since i told him it just wasnt a good idea and it was making me crazy.
cold love 10-18-10 20:10
why is it that tim kasher is always the soundtrack to my life? especially when im feeling thought provoking, mischievous, and sad?

his new album is on repeat in my car this week, the abnormal amount of rain is also helping to fuel that listening fire.

a dog very close to me passed away last week. actually, i euthanized him. his owner has alzheimers and came back looking for him last 2 days after we put him down (she chose not to be present) and it broke my heart all over again. RIP dusty, you were a very good boy.

saturday night was a disco party gone horribly wrong. first off, never expect people to make plans even if its on your birthday, they are flaky, and just dont seem to care. second off, dont make it a theme party if you expect anyone to come, especially if its one that takes more effort to throw together. it was my friends birthday, and we ended up at the bar/restaurant i used to work at for most of the evening. new manfriend showed up, and said some things old manfriend probably would not have liked to hear. about why i have bruises all over my body and how specifically they arrived. it was almost embarrassing, but was kind of nice :) one of my friends made it a point to make old manfriend hate his life by zinging him every chance she got, she really did a wonderful job of putting such a douchemonger in his place. thank you christy

im waiting for the rain to start again. i love it.

oh and i get to come home to portland for thanksgiving. i couldn't be happier, its such a traditional thing for me and i really cherish it. YAYYYYAYAYYAYYY!!!!
tallest man on earth 10-07-10 11:15
jason might be good for me. i have gotten too stupid reading celebrity gossip and oogling puppies every day. hes smart. almost unbearably sometimes. and hes interesting. but some of the other quirks that come along with him are almost annoying?

i cant let a good thing be apparently! its raining in san diego. it has me in a very strange mood still. i like this mood, its not necessarily reminiscent of portland, but it does have my fondly remember living in brooklyn and hiding out in shanghai tunnels between my graveyard shifts at the ER.

im at a laundrymat across roughly a block away from my house, which i drive to, because my first trip walking with my overloaded basket, lap top, detergent, and my nonability to safely carry 30 pounds or so resulted in a broken laundry basket and minor embarrassment as i dropped it. i just spent a whole 8 dollars on a new laundry basket and i sure as hell am not breaking this one!

amazon 1 click shopping is going to be the death of me. today i purchased sideways, a few dave eggers books, the new tim kasher album, and some other books and dvds i dont REALLY need, but apparently cant live without.

oh and i cant remember how to write in cursive. im embarrassed. did you know in most school districts they dont teach you how to write in cursive anymore? one of the doctors i work for, her children cant read cursive, not even sign their own name, which is so telling of our schools. sad.
but im not 09-29-10 20:39
always whining, complaining.

portland was a short gig, it ended with broken hearts, semi repaired father-daughter relations, and less of a self realization then was originally intended. i set out to make more of myself, feel something different, and find a new drive for my life, but changing cities will not change your brain as much as you may wish.

i got fired from dovelewis actually. i had no veterinary experience previously, and that was not the place to acquire it. i lied to everyone and said i got laid off (which was believable considering my branch ended up closing down anyways) and continued to live in my dreamworld where i segment the reality with my perceived truth through lies. another problem i must conquer

i am currently sleeping with someone who is a little too dominant and i keep coming across as a tease because im honestly nervous and cant quite let my guard down considering i dont know him very well. i am sending him very mixed messages on my feelings (especially the sexual ones) which i need to get under control. he wouldn't dislike me or be angry with me for my feelings of maybe being a little hardcore a little too soon, so why cant i say anything? he is one of the smarter people ive ever dated and certainly turning out to be one of the more interesting ones as well, which is unfortunate because i come across as ditzy and down right stupid sometimes, i have turned in to a terrible conversationalist who only likes to talk about cute puppies and celebrity gossip and real life gossip. its disgusting. i need to pick up a book more often.

there are some potential thunderstorms happening east of san diego right now. i want to go hunt them down with my new man friend. but i feel awkward about our night last night, and i texted him with no response today which always leaves me uneasy. daddy issues?

this is all convoluted.

frazzy. find me on facebook please. nichole sykes.

didnt anyone ever teach me not to post such personal information?
winter 01-19-09 23:05
sucks when its not 80 degrees, because i no longer reside in san diego

thats right, im back in pdx. behind the aladdin theatre (where i drink too frequently), working at dovelewis (where i do nothing on the internet too frequently), and where i find myself with the same old boy problems(again, too damn frequently)

its nice to be back?

and long time no see, i was browing last.fm and saw my man frazzyb and decided to come on here and probably go through and get all embarrassed about my old posts once again!
I'm so miserable right now. I've been turned in to the 7th wheel. By the way I'm posting from my blackberry so sorry if things don't make sense it takes a lot of scrolling to see what I've already written.

Baby nate came home today, which is great since I missed him a lot. Obviously not as much as heather!!

But I went to dinner with him het mikey and his gf. And me.

Now its baby nate jeff and mel. I hate my life. I'm so fucking miserable and lonely without alex right now, its awful. I wish he were here so bad. I'm drunk and alone sitting in my room away from everyone else, its really stupid of me. Bebu just came over but I'm still not in the mood for any hanging out.

I don't know what I'm doing with alex. What's the point?? Haven't I had enough long distance lovers to teach me a lesson. Calvin. David. Nothing has ended in a way that is favorable... They ended. I'm friends with cal I guess, things with david and I are good I guess. Were just friends. But what's yhe point of even having anything with alex? And there is this guy zach which things could go well... Minus the fact that he's in the navy and never here. I really know how to pick em. Buttttt yeah. Hate my life. Want alex here in my bed. Having lots of hot hot sex. I need to shower, and wanna go to bed afterwards.

Daniel johnston is playing. Someone just called it the best retard music. And now the words are flying since baby nate loves him and jeff picked it. K... I need to go do something.

Did I mention I hate my life?
the general specific 01-11-08 21:52
I will not let you set the tone of this "relationship". I was so stupid and desperate that I let you? How did i become the one doing all the chasing, the one not calling ANY shots and the one making a fool out of myself. So wrong. I was never trying to be a needy bitch like I was coming off as, I just wanted some fucking attention. You could always make plans with everyone else. That always left me feeling very important to you, like you just couldnt wait to see me either. Its why I wouldn't ever stop fucking asking you to hang out. I had to catch the spare moment of your time, and i wasnt going to let it slip by.

So fuck you for not taking me seriously enough, and not treating me with enough respect, and not appreciating me! I still cant believe I let myself get strung along at the end, with my phone surgically attached to my hip, trying to play cute little games to make you ask me to hang out, waiting for you to LET me hang out. What a cruel joke I let play out on myself, how pathetic.

You texted me tonight, asking if I wanted to hang out this weekend. I responded an hour later with "busy, sorry" and you tried again, "well just let me know when you can hang out or if you want to if not let me know either way". "i dont want to"

Those might be our last words for a while.

On a lighter note... I had the best sex of my life last night. A man (A MAN NOT A LITTLE BOY) totally made me orgasm haha and it was fucking fantastic. Had great sex for a week up until this morning, when Alex left! hah. i miss him already. im interested to see how this is gonna work out. im gonna lay low for a little bit, and we will see how much he misses me and where we go next with this.
i miss you 11-12-07 20:14
im going back home to the west coast

i feel so low without david. leaving him is hard. and fuck me, because he comes home this friday and then he will leave AGAIN

i did something dumb for no good reason this week, and feel dumb about it. i dont regret it... living life with regrets is no good but why the hell did i have sex with jared????

i wish i could figure it out. i also wish i could see my psychiatrist again.

and yeah i cant wait to see david he makes me very very very happy and makes my life good :)
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